10 Things To Never Say To Someone With A Deployed Soldier

I have been through a few deployments myself and I'm always amazed by some of the comments received. Through our time in the Army, I've heard quite a few and heard many more that have been relayed to me by other Army wives. So I decided to develop the top ten things you should never say to someone who has a soldier deployed. Ready?

1. I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have?

2. I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.

Hmmm...how does hearing how someone else can't deal with it help me to deal with it?

3. Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's there?

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. But being reminded of the fact that something may happen to him doesn't help me out.

4. Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

5. I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him and suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

6. Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines...How can you go without sex for so long?

Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that.

7. How can you sleep at night knowing your husband is a murderer? Won't you be afraid when he comes home?

This one sets me off more than any other. No soldier is a murderer. Have they had to kill someone? Quite possibly. But there are a great many soldiers who never have. It's not something they talk about in daily conversation. Regardless of what they do overseas, it does not make them a murderer. They are in a war zone and following orders. I have never once even had an inkling that I should be afraid of my husband because he is a soldier.

8. I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you just hate President Bush?

My husband joined the military of his own free will AFTER 9/11 knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but both my husband and I knew what we were getting into when he joined. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. And I don't discuss politics or religion with anyone. :-)

9. If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.

Really? My definition of support must be much different than the definition of support by these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families.

10. I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him.

Comments

[Josalyn]

This is a GREAT post Stacey!! I'm shocked at some of the comments that have been said to you! :o( You are such a strong and caring person!! :)

Josalyn

[Renee]

Thank you so much for posting this! I am amazed at how people think they know (as if!) what we go through when our husbands/fiances/boyfriendsare deployed, but they truly have no clue. Thank you for putting the truth out there.

[Lea]

Stacey, you absolutly amaze me!! Are you in my head? I love reading everything you write because you always get things 100% correct! (I loved the "are you scared" and "murderer" ones, nothing makes me madder!!!)

[VIMI]

Some of these comments you wrote people ask made me wonder how dumb or uncaring people can really be. Thanks for helping people be aware. ;)

[Jaclyn]

Thank you for posting these. When people say this crap to me I get so P.O!!! I'm like you have no clue what it is like so please keep your stupid comments to yourself. I have gotten a lot of these also. I swear you are in our heads...lol

[a-weber]

So when are you going to start selling this on a t-shirt because i soooo want one! lol

[amanda]

Wow loved that post. Thanks for posting that.

[Trish Mashburn]

You go girl!!! And a big Amen!

[Krystle Meeks]

I first want to say how great I think this is. I am very new to this. My husband has been in the Army since he ws 18 but we have got lucky enough that he just now got deployed. (he's 23) He just got to Kuwait on Monday where he will spend the remainder of the month before he goes to Baghdad. I have to agree with everything you said. A 3 day business trip doesn't even compare to a deployment. Andrew had been in Ft. Dix NJ for 3 mo prior to shipping out doing traing so three days is nothing. And the whole murder thing I'm completely irate about that. My husband is in the infantry so that is what he is trained to do but he is no way a murderer. Thank you again for writing.

[Cristy Myers]

Thank you for posting this!
You know I am really new to all of this, and I feel really out of place sometimes,and just a couple of days I said, on the website, I asked rule #1 and I said rule #2.And I never thought about what I was saying, but you made me relize my remarks, and even though I had good intentions trying to make conversation,I wasnt the best at it, and I could of affended, and most likely did affend someone.So thanks, this is somehting I needed to know!
Cristy

[Sara]

I am so with you on all of these. I wish this was put on Lettermen's top 10 list! People need to be aware of how much we support our husbands and stop hearing only the people who protest them. Thank you! I want a tshirt as well...... Sara

[Ginny Domenici]

I am speechless at the stupidity of some people with thoses comments. Thanks for sharing and thanks for this web site.
ginny D

[Misty]

We are currently dealing with our second deployment in 3 years, and I hate to say I have heard just about every one of these comments/questions!! The one that angers me the most is #2 or something along the lines of "I wouldn't let my husband do that!" I have even had a military person with a former military husband tell me (in the midst of DH's deployment) that she was so glad they didn't have to deal with that anymore!! I have to bite my tongue on that one!! I'm thankful she doesn't, either, but that's not something I want to hear . . .
Thanks for posting these . . . :)

[Julianne]

This is my first deployement with my fiance and he hasn't even been deployed for a week and i've already gotten these comments EVERY day. Thanks for sharing this with everyone. I feel the same way.

[Jessica Larsen]

I love your responses to some of those questions. I'm going through my first deployment now, and I am amazed at some of the insensitive things people say to me when it comes up that my husband is deployed. I thought it was just people around me, but it looks like the ignorance is not limited to the northeast. I think I may just start replying with how we are all feeling! Thanks for sharing with us and giving me a reason to laugh!

[tisa]

i am about to be a new army wife and i am just afraid to think of being afraid. it is hard to know what to do but i have a best friend and a niece that has gone through so many experiences of deployment. how do you cope? i know with God and family i will do fine.

[Chrissie]

Thank You!! A friend of mine just recently told me (because my husband is deployed) that I must like to be tortured! I realize my friend only meant that it sometimes gets hard to be alone, and he has never been truely "in love", but not having my husband at home is far from torture! Yes, it sometimes gets to me, and, sometimes, it just down right sucks, but the good MOST CERTAINLY out weighs the bad. I have found a new independence in myself that I would have otherwise never known. My husband gives me true happiness, even from Iraq. He blew my mind when he said that.
Thanks for your post. Now I know that my friend isn't the only insensitive one out there. lol.

[Jeanne Daves]

My son 36 yo Ranger left
this Easter weekend ~ Iraq.
His wife left him. I told
him God has all, and I mean
all the answers !! Since
creation, war has erupted
somewhere. WE may not agree
with all the political issues. One thing to strongly bear in mind is
these brave soldiers are
risking their lives to
protect USA. No one deep
in their heart wants to
destroy another human.
Where are the answers?
A tough one. Please know
we have a Supreme King
over the Universe. No one
else ! Someday, we will
understand. Right now,
the finite mind is struggling. Please be
patient, have faith, pray
Thank you. Love to all.
Jeanne Daves, Oceanside, CA

[Ayla]

Thank you so much for this, my husbands deployment is comming up and this is all I get. That and oh god thats going to be hard. Like I dont know that lol. Ty again I wanna get this tattooed on my forhead.

[Tiffany]

I've olny heard a few of these so far. But the worst one I have heard was someone asking me if I'm going to explain to my 16 month old son when he's older that his daddy was overseas killing people. I mean, how could someone say something so cruel! My son loves his daddy and his daddy loves him. I didn't even know how to respond to that. I mean, what could you possibly say?

[Denise Kanir]

Thanks for the list! My husband has been in Iraq for the past year. The most infuriating comment I've received so far has been "Well, what did you expect? He signed up for this." Oh yeah? Nice. My comment back to this insensitive person was that, yes, my husband and I have fully understood the potential for deployment throughout his 20 yrs as a Reservist. However, our eight-year-old did NOT sign up to have her daddy away for a year. She was standing right next to me throughout this conversation. I had to smile as she said "I'm very proud of my dad."

[Bobbi]

Thanks so much for this post. My family is getting ready to face another deployment taking away my husband 2 brother in laws and my best friends husband we are an army national guard family and I have been asked a lot of those questions on the last deployment along with having a co-worker making sure to inform me of any accidents and deaths that was reported on the news that day and being fully aware that I didn't watch the news for that purpose. Thanks again Bobbi

[Trina]

Thank you so much for that. I'm going through the same thing and i just don't understand how people can say some of these things and expect someone not to get mad about it. My own sister reminds me everyday that she doesn't know how I can sleep at night knowing where my husband is.

[Amanda]

Right on! One of my personal favorites is, "Well you knew this would happen when he reenlisted, so you can't really complain about it now!" This is my husband's second deployment to Iraq, and I find these comments and backhanded support just as infuriating as I did the first time. Didn't anybody's mama ever tell them, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the hell up??" ;-)

[Carla]

Thank you very much for this!! But I personally do not agree in number 8. Our husbands enlist to defend our country not to defend the Iraqis “they are destroying our lives why we need to defend them?” This is my first deployment and is the worse thing that ever happened to me. Once again thank!!