Wives Have No Rank

It seems like this would be a statement that goes without saying. But lately it seems I've been hearing many stories about wives believing they wear the rank of their soldier. And surprisingly, it hasn't been just an officer vs. enlisted mentality. Some of the most recent stories involve just enlisted wives. Wow!

As an Army wife, it is very easy to get wrapped up in your husband's career. It is, after all, one of the few career paths he can choose that involves the entire family. I can't think of too many corporations that have family support groups or social gatherings for spouses only. But whether you're the 4 Star General's spouse or the spouse of a PV2, you're just a spouse! No more, no less. Or in the eyes of the Army, you're a dependent (I hate that word by the way!).

Your husband's rank has no bearing on who YOU are as a person. When I was Director of Marketing, my husband didn't go around telling everyone he was a "Director's Husband". Though that would have been kind of funny. Seriously, rank should never enter the equation. Sure you are proud of your husband's accomplishments and rightly so. We all are. But they are just that...his accomplishments. If anyone receives special treatment for rank, it will be him because he is the one who has earned it.

The best gatherings I have been at among wives are the ones where no one knows the rank or job of anyone else's husband. At a recent gathering, the subject was actually changed when it was brought up by a newer spouse and I thought it was great. It reflected well on the ones who refused to discuss it.

Let's all agree that we each have something (and someone) to be proud of as Army wives. We all have reason to be equally proud because no matter the rank, our spouse volunteered to serve our country and protect our freedoms. They took the same oath and they defend the same flag. Let's all stand together, support one another and let the word "rank" become taboo.

Comments

[Kasey]

I know a girl who, it seems like in every conversation I have with her, mentions that she is a Plt. Sgts. Wife. She is a lot to stomach so I avoid her, which is sad, but I just can't take it.

[KeepNF8th]

AMEN AMEN AMEN......

We are all in the same darn boat! How annoying. I don't really care what rank your (any spouse) hubby is. I just want to know YOU as a person and who YOU are. The military controlls enough of my life... I'm certainly not about to let it (my DH's rank) controll who I can and can't be friends with!

[Jen]

I agree. I believe that officer's wives may have a little more responsibilty on post as far as hosting coffees and such, but that is as far as it goes. Personally rank has no bearing on how I feel about you as a person.

[Kim]

THANKS!!! we just got a new FRG leader and i must say..even though i am a new wife..I know we arent suppose to involve rank. They were broken up by platoons and i hate that. I want to meet all wives and support them all. We are EOD and only 44 guys in the unit and only like 20 wives here...so needless to say we are small!!! Glad to see someone else agrees!!!

[Rachel]

I totally agree!! My Husband is overseas right now and I am also in the Army, but, I would never think to wear his rank! I think if these annoying women want to wear rank so bad, then they should join. The women that I have met that wear their Husbands' rank have no life of their own, and feel more important when they try to take on his rank! It was a breath of fresh air to hear other women who think the same way!

[Chelsey]

Oh my gosh. This sounds so familiar. Even on simple online groups I've been asked what rank my husband is. I've also heard of girls being treated badly by other wives just because one husband outranks the other. It drives me crazy!

[Tiffany]

THAT IS SO TRUE I HATE THAT THESE ARE OUR HUSBANDS ACCOMPIHSMENTS AND THEY EARNED THEM BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I BELIVE I HELPED HIM GET WHERE HE IS I STAYED UP LATE HELPING HIM FOR THE BOARDS

[Pua]

I totally agree. I just think that the best thing we can do as Army wives is just support our husbands to the fullest extent and not try to bulldoze our way into our husbands career like I know some wives to be. We are their spouses and not their COs ( well maybe in the home). But ideally its is our husbands that endured BCT and AIT, it is them that endured PLDC, ANOC, BNOC and JRTC. Not us, I stand by my husband but I know my place and it is beside him. Not in front of him.

[Ms. B]

I was pleasantly surprised to read the initial article: Based on the behavior of FRG members, I elected to distance myself over ten-years ago. The condescending attitudes and feigned support of the Army was sickening. (I am a veteran and now a professional engineer married to an enlisted member--you would think that we had formed some sort of unholy union!!)

The FRG in this area is still somewhat geared toward under-educated, breeders with no careers who define themselves in terms of their spouses. Imagine my amusement when a woman married to an officer (no job skills or job, 3 children) told me that she would be a good resource for me! But I am very happy to hear that others are a bit more progressive.

btw: 1.) Spouses of officers are simply private citizens with no special obligation (hosting or otherwise) to the Army, Jen.
2.) Unless you signed your name and swore the oath, you have no claim to the accomplishments, Tiffany.

Remember: Supporting your spouse does not mean sacrificing your dreams or becoming the best haus frau imaginable. After all, an Army career/pension is not lucrative--regardless of rank.

[Mary]

I was browsing the internet for poems to blog on my page and i ran across this blog. I am sad that wives try to wear the rank of husbands.I wear no rank and could care what rank any Soldier has on their shoulders as I always say "They All Fight the SAME War!" Not that it makes any difference what my husbands rank is I have to say that I used to work for AAFES as a military wife you know what that place is, i frequent it often. Shortly after my husband and I were married I had an encounter with a customer who thought it was ok to throw her husbands rank around the shoppette and act as if she deserves special treatment because she was an officer's wife. As she thought that I was just some "joe's" wife, who works cause I have to in the real world of making ends meet.I bit my tongue as hard as I could while she was in the shoppette and as soon as she left I went to my manager and said what right does she have to treat people this way, I just wanted to really walk outside to my vehicle grab my ID and give it to her and ask her if she would have treated me differently now knowing that I too am an officer's wife, oh and wait not only was I an officers wife, but one that husband wore the same rank as hers. It just makes me sick that wives actually do this. I will tell you that WE DO NOT WEAR OUR HUSBANDS RANK, and for those of you who think you do put the uniform on and serve Our country the way our Soldiers do, then wear the rank. My Granddaddy is was retired Army and he would roll over in his grave if I ever treated one different because of Rank. I had a little problem adjusting to the Army life because all of my friends and I married Soldiers, them enlisted and Me officer, like we were looking at that. And truthfully it saddened me that I felt that I had to give up life long friends because of my husbands rank, I was underinformed and knew that there is the case that enlisted and officers are seperate and they didnt in fact hang out with each other because of fratinization outside of work. I went to another wife my confidont,my friend, who I confided in and asked "Do I really have to stop being friends with my bestest of friends because of our husbands rank?" I was saddened by all of it. We talked and she informed me that the Army can not tell me who to be friends with, and that I do not have to give them up.Needless to say that yes the Army has the Family Support Groups, and this past year I ran the group for my husbands company.Oh how I hate to say ran it sounds as though I gave orders to someone.Together the ladies and I got the Troops ready for deployment as well as their families and WE supported our husbands while they were deployed. I never asked anyone to do something I wouldnt do, nor did I expect it.I had a new young sgt's wife that always introduced herself to me as "I'm sgt yada yada's wife. I told her "Hi my name is Mary, I am not in the Army my husband is, I do not wear his rank he does so please from this day on refer to yourself as "I'll just call her Terri"(Since I wont put her name here without her permission. Rank does not play a role in my life as a Military wife.I treat people the way I would like to be treated. And expect no more from them than I do myself. I guess you would like to know where I am going with this??? I was for one not brought up to treat people differently by any means and for two how can I look down on any Soldier, his wife or his family because they arent paid on the same pay level my husband is? I have to say before I was "An Officer's Wife" I was a teenage mom, raising her children on food stamps, moneys from the same government that pays our Soldiers, and recieved day care and medical assitance. And had to go with out alot of things for my children to not go without. I would be a hypocrit to ever degrade someone because of rank. Look beyond the ranks and Support your Soldier along the way.For those of you who run across it wearing it or thinking you do..He's the one fighting the war overseas not you!

[Mary]

I just have to say in my last blog I said "joe's wife" I wanted to let you all know that I hate that they are sometimes referred to as Joe. Does he not have his own name??

[SoldiersWife]

I'm glad somebody is finally bringing up the fact that it's not just the officers wives who do this. As an officer's wife, I have never and will never think that I am better than anyone, and it's hard to hear people make reference to it only happening in the officer community. I've been attacked with "my husband may be lower ranking, but he's older and more experienced and deserves better than yours" - I couldn't believe it! I don't care who your husband is - officer, enlisted, etc. - it's not right for ANYONE to make a statement that degrading to another person. How are we supposed to help support each other when slanders are thrown back and forth? We are ALL civilians, we hold NO rank, and I think it's time that wives on ALL sides of the army start to act as such.

[april jordan]

ok.. i hear this all the time. wives who are not in the army are civilians! my husband is a e6 and i get alot of other e6 wives who say. well my husband this and my husband that! it makes me soo mad! get a job and stop living through your husband!!

[Dtwbnw]

Ok, I agree with all of you that "we do NOT wear" our husbands rank, however; I do not agree that we have not had some small part in his getting to where he is in his career! I think that any loving supportive wife will know that she is his back bone and should be proud of her husbands rank, because to him it symbolizes a triumph. I would never think that I have any rights to say that I am " insert rank" , but I do think that I have every right to say that he most certainly is sucessful because he has a loving supportive family at home. If it were true that a Military wife does not in someway wear her soldiers rank then why do we always have to kiss a$$ to all of the higher ups wives? You all know that if you are nasty to a Generals wife then it could mean the end of your soldiers career, right? so help me understand why everyone is so bothered by someone wanting to feel like they are doing something great right beside their man! If your husband were to finally finish that project at home( no doubt you had to nag to get it done) would you not say " well Jimbob only did it because of me? Same principal! Just my thoughts. Remember that we are not Soldiers, so we shouldnt be trying to go to war with eachother.

[Oneatha]

Well i was told that nco wives are not to really associate with a captain or a commander wife. But however i do agree it should not matter.And that wives should not try to wear their husband rank.

[katrina]

AMEN! LOL- My hubby has only been in a year, so we are both new to the army. I went to my 1'st FRG meeting, and i felt like i was in high school all over again. It shouldnt matter what rank your husband/wife is, all of us put our pants on the same way every morning,lol. Some of the wives take it to extremes, that if their husband is higher rank then mine, then they somehow "outrank" me. We are all their to support one cause, that is all that should matter!

[shayna b.]

i 100% agree with you! my husband is a PFC and it seems as though all the wives whos husband is higher rank try to act like they wear thier mens rank, i went 2 my 1st and my LAST frg meeting while my husband was deployed last year and i had his nco's wives trying to tell me what to do like im lower ranking then them and i have to listen...please believe i walked out in the middle of the meeting! and i will never go to another meeting again, they made me feel as though i was lower than them, they were better than me somehow cuz thier husband has been in the army way longer than my husband and has higher rank than him....let me say its not a good feeling if i say so myself, but im proud of my husband no matter what rank he wears and i know for damn sure when he becomes and nco i wont treat other wives the way i was treated over thier husbands rank....jmo
take care

[Andrea Hewett]

I really agree with you!!! I know of a wife who throws her husbands rank at me! Like I care. My husband is an enlisted soldier and her's is an NCO she makes it seem like shes better than me in some way.

[Jennifer Parks]

I LOVE THIS ARTICLE. My husbands unit is like this the company commanders wife is the worse...she thinks she wears his rank and treat everyone horrible. And the way she talks to people is sick....but all its doing is making her husband look bad by the way she acts. She is prior military so she thinks she BETTER than us...but like you said SHES JUST AN ARMY WIFE NOW A DEPENDENT!!!

[CAV wife]

I totally agree with this! My husband is a soldier. I define him as such. I don't declare his rank as his identity. I definitely don't go around acting like I am the soldier. I am simply his wife. The whole FRG thing is totally true. When my husband deployed to Iraq last year, I, as his fiancee at the time, wanted to do everything in my power to help support him and his troop. I drove several hours to the base since I lived away from it, and I would attend the FRG parties for the holidays. I thought if anything, I could associate and befriend the women and children who are in the same boat as me and our child. Well, this was totally not the case. The FRG women, except for one Sgt's wife, never really said anything to me...and they all knew I was new to the unit. The one SGT's wife that did "befriend" me will still IM me online every now and then to check to see how me and our daughter are doing, although she is no longer my POC and my husband is no longer under her husband (my husband was transferred to another section). I truly believe that she is genuine in her actions. However, the rest of the wives just seem full of themselves and they seem like they think they are the soldiers. It's funny I had never even heard anyone else mention this whole wife and rank thing, and I came home from a FRG function last year, and I emailed my husband (who was in Iraq) and told him that I swore some of those wives think they are the soldiers...not their husbands. I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who has experienced this. I truly believe that we all work hard to maintain our families, jobs, school, households, children...all the while supporting our husbands, so why is that you can't just be proud of your achievements and acknowledge them as your own, instead of trying to take on your husband's too. To sit there and try to act like you are the one with the rank is belittling to your husband who worked his butt off to get that rank. It's sad to say that I truly believe the wives act this way because they have no accomplishments in life to be proud of. In a sense it's like being a stage mom for a kid in a beauty pageant. Trying to live the parent's dream through the kid's accomplishments. It's sad to think, all the wives in our FRG who act this way, I actually far exceed their level of education and skills, but yet, they act as though, they are all high and mighty because of who their husband is. It kind of reminds me of when kids are in high school, and the jock dates the girl, and the girl thinks she is so cool because her boyfriend is the capt. of the football team! Some of these women really need to grow up!

[Elizabeth Sheresh]

I agree with you on the whole lets not get wrapped up in our husbands rank. BUT out here on the base were stationed at us wives are considered to have a higher rank then our husbands. There was a lil problems with a soldier out here being rude to a few wives and the drill sgts AND company comander came out to formation and let all the boys know that us wives have higher ranking then them...ill say we were in awe and very suprised to been giving such honor..even though we all know its not true lol.

[My Soldier's Wife]

I am so disgusted by this whole "thinking you are better than me just because your husband's rank is higher than my husband's rank!" I have been to only 2 FRG holiday get-togethers and a few FRG meetings in regards to my husband's coming home from Iraq. The FRG leader, who is a wife to a NCO, completely thinks she wears his rank. She is the world's biggest B****!!! She has never tried to talk to me or befriend me unless she needed my help in gathering stuff for the troop. She recently goofed on emailing me the right information for a meeting on homecoming, and when I got mad about it, she went and inflated the story and it got back to my husband's NCO's in Iraq. She told them that I fought her and had to be pulled off her by the SGT Major's wife and that I cussed her. This was a TOTAL lie!!! I don't care what rank my husband is...he earned it!!! It's his accomplishment, not mine!! I have my own accomplishment's to be proud of. I don't need my husband's too!!! I am proud of him and that is as far as it goes. I hate it when people feel like they have to degrade someone or think they are better than someone. I told our FRG leader that FRG is not about whose husband is what rank or who is the better wife, and she totally jumped my case about it and said that she DOES NOT pull rank! What's funny is that I never accused her of that...she put her own foot in her mouth! I have now sworn off any contact with FRG. I even told my husband that I refuse to go to anymore meetings. I drive 2 hrs. one way to his home base just to be degraded and belittled. I told him I'll just wait for the phone call letting me know he's on his way...forget all this stupid FRG bs!!!

[Shelle]

Thank you for saying it all so clearly. I became an Army wife this past year and I want to get to know others for who they are and vice versa. We are all in this together!

[SPC Elizabeth Long USA (ret.)]

I hat to be the bearer of bad news, but guess what some of us do have rank. Not that rank that our husbands wear, but the rank we earned ourselves. Not all of us Wives come in as straight civilians.Some of us Come is as VETERANS are allowed to wear our rank if t he occasion is appropriate but at the same time we must carry ourselves appropriately. As Army wives we should lean on each other no matter what the rank we earned was or the rank our husbands have earned. The only difference between true rank earned and the civilian army wife is we know what our husbands are in for and we should use that knowledge to help our AW's understand they can lean through our experience, and we should share it not try to pull rank on each other, it's pointless and gets you no where. However I do out rank my husband an use it to my advantage sometimes....needless to say I'm sure I won't be able to do that much longer. He's about to be promoted to specialist in about 6 months.....

[Lynn]

Rank is rank, and while I, as a wive, have sacrificed quite a bit for my husband to get to where he is, I would never introduce myself as my husband's rank.

It's funny, people give respect to soldiers with higher rank. So when wives are wearing their husband's rank, they are asking for more respect. I give (initial) respect based on the length of time as a military wife. If a woman walks in who just married a Sgt. I'll be as respectful to her as I will the next wife. However if a woman walks in who's been married to a soldier for many, many years, I'm going to have quite a bit respect for her and all of the sacrifices she has made over the years.