Wives Have No Rank

It seems like this would be a statement that goes without saying. But lately it seems I've been hearing many stories about wives believing they wear the rank of their soldier. And surprisingly, it hasn't been just an officer vs. enlisted mentality. Some of the most recent stories involve just enlisted wives. Wow!

As an Army wife, it is very easy to get wrapped up in your husband's career. It is, after all, one of the few career paths he can choose that involves the entire family. I can't think of too many corporations that have family support groups or social gatherings for spouses only. But whether you're the 4 Star General's spouse or the spouse of a PV2, you're just a spouse! No more, no less. Or in the eyes of the Army, you're a dependent (I hate that word by the way!).

Your husband's rank has no bearing on who YOU are as a person. When I was Director of Marketing, my husband didn't go around telling everyone he was a "Director's Husband". Though that would have been kind of funny. Seriously, rank should never enter the equation. Sure you are proud of your husband's accomplishments and rightly so. We all are. But they are just that...his accomplishments. If anyone receives special treatment for rank, it will be him because he is the one who has earned it.

The best gatherings I have been at among wives are the ones where no one knows the rank or job of anyone else's husband. At a recent gathering, the subject was actually changed when it was brought up by a newer spouse and I thought it was great. It reflected well on the ones who refused to discuss it.

Let's all agree that we each have something (and someone) to be proud of as Army wives. We all have reason to be equally proud because no matter the rank, our spouse volunteered to serve our country and protect our freedoms. They took the same oath and they defend the same flag. Let's all stand together, support one another and let the word "rank" become taboo.

Comments

[Tess]

I agree with DTWBNW Jan 27, 2007. We as Army Wives should be proud of our soldier. And as Christian's my husband and I are of one flesh. I would proudly wear his rank. But that statement is relative on how it is percieved. I am proud of the sacrifices we have made and I will fight anyone who says his career is his alone. No way is it. I have sacrificed the ability to have a family due to his deployments. Although to use his rank in a manipulative way is always unacceptable. But if I have to bear his promotions being overlooked for political reasons time and time again and bear that sadness, then when he does achieve the long overdue promotions I indeed proudly acknowledge them. I have had to overhear his superior say, "you will get promoted over my dead body" and that is nothing a wife should ever have to endure. Especially when her soldier is a kind but strong man and in my opinion the best kind of man to make a leader. When he received his last promotion after several young whipper-snappers received theirs ahead of him and then just got out of the military altogether and the superior I spoke of was medically discharged, I purchased a bracelet that said Mrs Sgt xxxx. I don't flaut it around but I am very proud of my soldier and oh yes I paid my dues for that title and deserve it. And I have experienced the rank crap from those females with soldiers below my husband to females who serve beside him. It is all relative. Wear it with pride but not with arrogance or any leverage. It makes a beautiful woman ugly. My wish is that those who use the rank would stop so we that are proud can display our support without being labeled as rank wearers, and those that complain about it let it go, people will be who they are either way. And it is all politics which will always be in existence. Ignore it and walk away from it. Quit giving it so much attention!!! This kind of stuff is what makes me want to stay at home but I continue to stand beside my soldier for his career as my absence would hurt it.

[Lauren]

I can't believe some of the things I have heard. I mean I am very new to the Army with my husband to be. He is currently at BCT/AIT. And I have seen so many women trying to make it seem like they are better than me because of their husbands rank. It makes me sick. I am so glad to see that there are others that feel the same way about some wives trying to flaunt their husbands rank as if it is their own. Oh by the way is it mandatory for us to live on base or is that optional? I am so new to the Army.

[Kasei]

omg i love this someone finally said it outloud

[armyhousewife]

I am an LT's (soon to be CPT) wife and always very concious of what I say in front of other wives. My husband drilled into me that I do not mention his West Point education around other soliders & wives unless it's specifically mentioned or asked about - and then I usually quickly change the subject. I hate having to be so watchful of anything to do with my husband's education or rank, but there seems to be almost a hatred sometimes among enlisted for officers & especially those who attended military academies. It's hard to always watch what you say as I'm very proud of my husband - especially since he got into WP coming from a rural southwest Georgia town! But I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or that I'm "pulling rank" as like everyone says - it's not my rank! I love my FRG and hang out with the wives (mostly from my husband's platoon). They are a great group of women. Heck my neighbor's husband is an E5 & I hang out almost every day with her! Before our brigade deployed we (neighbors & us) would often socialize. You don't know how many times my husband has been told "you're pretty cool" -and the Joes (sorry, but I hear the term so often from soldiers - enlisted too!) say it as if it's a miracle! I know that not all offiers are nice, but come on! They're not all bad! I've yet to have any run-ins with the wives everyone is talking about (but we've only been married 1 yr so I'm sure it'll happen). I have heard the horror stories! Whenever you get any group of people (let's face it ladies - women are not known for being close-mouthed) together there's going to gossip - especially in a situation that is dependent on us getting information from others. I just want everyone to know that it's hard for officers' wives as well. We worry about saying the wrong thing too. I'm very concious of what is expected (not required as pointed out) of me as my husband (hopefully) gains rank. For every uppity "OW" - there's one who's scared to death she's going to screw up & reflect badly on her husband (like me!) and lose the respect of her fellow wives. While there are always bad apples-I always try to be understanding, LISTEN to other wives & try to put myself in their situation. I'm lucky to have a great FRG & even luckier to be married to not only a great soldier, but a great man! There is no rank among wives, but rank will always be present in every situation we encounter. All we can do is be supportive, understanding & aware of each other's situation.

[LaTisha Garcia]

I agree with you 100% Its like no matter what your husbands rank is he is still apart of the army so you can just say I'm an army wife and be done with it. If they ask you what rank your husband is then you say that. But you just sound ignorant saying yeah I'm a pv2 wife.

[devon]

I love wearing the hoodie my husband bought me before he deployed.. and YES his rank is on it .. seriously ladies.. take a deep breath would you ..

[Becky]

I have to agree some wives to wear their DH's rank. I remember staying I am not in the Army and was corrected stating that I am in the Army. I have say yes and no this one as I am a wife of an Army solider I did not join I married him not the Army.

[Becka]

hey! ive been viewing your website and the tips and blogs/articles are both insightful and humerous in some ways i gotta say. My fiance is deploying in two days and this has helped clear my mind a lot- i appreciate it!

[Missingtile]

If I meet a military wife who wears her husband's rank, I would remind her that bullets and explosives do not distinguish ranks. Hence, every soldier's life regardless of rank is in equal footing where it matters most: the combat zone. So instead of the senseless bragging about rank, we might as well share "trade secrets" in supporting our soldiers and join hands in praying for their safety.

[Babette]

AMEN & AMEN!!! Thank you for this post, Stacey! Nothing drives me more nuts at an FRG meeting or a function than a concentration of rank instead of getting to know the true person for who she is!!! (or he if he is the ArmySpouse)

[andrea]

Hey every one, most of you are married with army men , well my situation is a bit different, Ive been in love with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He is the canadian army and has left twice on special missions overseas. I find it so hard for me to be completly part of his life considering he is always gone. But i love him so much that i cant even imagin the rest of my life without him. He wants to join the special forces next year, and i dont know what to think about that , he will always be gone on secret missions. I dont know what attitude to have towards this, and none of my friends can help me with this because no one knows what it is to be involved with a military. How do i make sure he knows i love him and support him , and how do i stop feeling very sad about the situation. He tells me that he wants me to be the mother of his children one day, but all of his army plans do not add up to us having a family, a house ,and a normal life. Please help :) i am hoping someone can give me advise on this matter :)

thanks

andrea

[Kaysie]

ABSOLUTELY! It's rare that you find spouses who believe it. I know they are out there, especially after reading the comments from spouses who agree. I can't wait to meet another spouse in realy life who believes that rank has no place in "spouse world". Thank you to EVERYONE who believes, understands, and knows this! It makes me feel as if I'm not alone.

[Helen]

This is so wrong for spouses to do this to each other. Some spouses just need to realize that some of us just want to be your friend and don't care what rank your spouses are. And some of us know what it's like to be on both sides (officer and enlisted) and it makes no difference. When we first moved to this post three years ago I wanted to get involved with the FRG like I was at our last post. I got a very rude awakening on the whole idea. Our FRG was run by a SGT's wife, which that didn't matter to me, and she did not want me anywhere near the FRG. She thought I wanted to take over. I had no intentions of doing this. I wanted to get paid for my full time job. I just wanted to get to know some of the spouses and hopefully make some friends. My husband deployed soon after we moved here and I hadn't found a job yet and was getting a little lonely. I went to a couple meetings and this woman made sure that no one spoke to me. Well I made it through the year, thankfully. Mostly on my own and the worst part was that she did not even call to tell me my husband was coming home. He called me at 2a.m and asked where I was. Well two years later and 8 months into another deployment I still have nothing to do with the FRG. The spouses seem to have gotten worse. If it wasn't for having a job and making friends there I would go crazy. I wish that I had a better attitude for the spouses here but I will have to wait for our next duty station.

[carolina]

Well, this is a very old blog, but I still have to comment on it. I am really glad you posted it because I'm really getting sick of wives thinking that they can wear their husbands rank. I'm an army wife and in the military myself and even I don't do the whole rank thing. So what would make it even possible for just a wife, a civilian, to wear any sort of rank? It's ridiculous. I agree we all need to support eachother and help eachother. Just because being an Army wife feels like a job alot of the time does not mean that you can say Hey my husband is a General and yours is a SGT so blah blah.
And as far as coming into this lifestyle as a veteran... I am active duty and work with veterans, their rank as prior AD means nothing. They are civilians now and are unable to tell you what to do or "pull rank". That is also not an adequate excuse.
Either way we just need to support eachother and be there for eachother, and have that be it. That is all that truely matters here.

[Elsy]

This was some very nice reading for me. I had the pleasure and honor of living at West Point for over 4 years and, as beautiful, picturesque and pristine a place as it is, you can't get more "Officer Ranked Wives" (or, ORW's, as they are referred to there) than at West Point! Living among the Cadets was a wonderful experience, one we enjoyed even more by becoming Cadet Sponsors. Some of our sposored Cadets are now here in TX at Ft. Hood and Ft. Sill and we all look forward to spending time with them again. That aspect made living at West Point so much more fun!

It is sad that most of these women have no accomplishments of their own, therefore, they wear their husband's ranks. I lived in two different neighborhoods while at West Point and, even though the second was better than the first, it was still palpitable. It is very clear who is who and how some people treat you simply because of where you live there.

I (personally) never had a problem with it since I had just as many Officer wives as friends as I did enlisted wives but, I did come across it from time to time nonetheless. I can distinctly remember the first time a woman threw rank at me. I had met some mom's at the elementary school and the first thing one of them said to me was, "So, what rank is your husband?" When I said, "He's an E7... (thinking nothing of it)", she replied, "Oh...." She looked at another woman in the group, smiled at her and said goodbye to the other ladies (but, not ME) and walked away. Being that this was my first "living on Base" experience, I was naive to her comment and didn't even take offense to it. As I was walking to my car with one of the other mom's (who was not only the wife of a full bird COL but became one of my best friend's to this day), she explained what had just happened and THEN I was offended, lol. I learned quickly after that.

I ran into a few more of those women during my stay there but THAT never happened to me again, as I quickly learned how to weed "them" out. Funny enough, the General's wives whom I became close with and were the "top wives" at the Academy (the Supe's and Dean's wives) were some of the nicest and most down to earth people I have ever met. They DID NOT wear or flash their husband's rank as they were very accompished women themselves and very active in the community. It was more the "lower" ranked officer's wives who were snooty and felt entitled; those were the worst! They were usually the younger wives too. The social gatherings and specialty parties (crafting, coffee clubs, etc.) were for "Officer's wives ONLY", unless you had an in with one of them and then the rest of the bunch would look, treat and talk to you (if at all) very differently, almost like you were lower class or something. It could become very uncomfortable. Even sadder than the wives themselves, the officer's kid's were sometimes worse!! I can't count the times some kid said to one of my children, "I get to be the leader 'cause my dad's an MAJ, LTC or COL." I found that to be so sad.... Those are the "true" Army brats right there, lol.

Thankfully, I have better and, more manners and decency than most of those women. I was raised and, live my life to respect, treat and like people for who they are and how they treat me and my family, not because of uniform decoration.

Now, we have been transferred here to Texas and are living civilian again. Personally, I am glad not be living in an installation and glad to be back in the real world where people see a uniform, don't care anything about rank, and give our soldiers the respect and admiration they have not only earned but, deserve.

I am very proud of my E7 husband/soldier and I'm not ashame to say it! He's been in 22 years and I support the career he has chosen for himself and our family. When my husband is the one on the front lines in Iraq, risking his life for all our freedoms (including the snobby Officer's wives and children), he deserves the most respect and, not because of his rank.

I'm glad that I am not judgemental that way. I'm also very proud that I raise my children to respect everyone, not their rank. I'm raising children for the real world, not a military Base.

We Army wives should all be extremely proud of our husband's and the time they serve for this great country, regardless of their rank. I am much more than a military wife; I am a wife, a mother and a human being, and that's how I want and expect to be treated, not as the wife of an E7.

The women who wear and live by their husband's rank really just need to grow up!!

[stasha buell]

I must say that i am going to have to respectfully disagree with you. While I dont think that wives should walk around thinking they are better than others because their husbands are higher ranking, I do believe that the wives do have avery significant part in their husband's success. I for one have been told by my husbands 1st sergant that my husband would not be the rank he is if he hadnt married me. He told me that he thanks me for the fact that he can count on my husband to do the best he can. my husband and i were both 18 and 19 years old when we got married. and my husband went from being a party boy to a responsible husband. In fact he has told me himself that he would be a e-1 living in the barraicks with no money if it werent for me. so while I proudly let my husband where his rank I also take pride in the fact that I play a part in why he acheived that.

[CassiaC]

I totally agree. I don't know how popular they are else where but here at Ft Wainwright, ACU purses are all the rave. I used to make fun of them. But alas, I made one myself. Even though i consider mine extra specail because I made it, not someone else and that it was my husbands ACU top that he wore on his skin. The thing that annoys me still is all the wives that put there husbands rank on their purses. Instead I opted for a heart. Just a small pink heart on a rank patch and I think it looks great.

[Sara]

A little different perspective here...There are certainly military wives who wear their husbands' ranks: that is a sad fact. I believe that this happens far less than it used to, but there is an attitude that still exists, and will only disappear when we quit talking about one another with cattiness. Sadly, I have found myself feeling apologetic when people ask me what my husband does. When I say he is a pilot, I have often gotten the respons "Oh, he's an OFFICER?" I almost feel ashamed, which is terrible, because he has earned his rank though many years of hard work. I should be able to be proud of him for his accomplishments, just as he is proud of me for mine.

[Janell]

My husband and I were just talking about this topic probably 2 weeks ago. We both agree with everything you said!!!!!
My husband also mentioned the fact that the husband earned his rank through hard work and dedication. What did the wife do to earn his rank?? Nothing!!! Her wedding ring does not mean she earned his rank. She has her own rank which is a military WIFE and nothing more than that!!

[Sarah Howard]

I totally agree, when we moved to our new duty station in germany, i had a very sad experience with officer wives, my husband is entlisted!
I was sitting on the playground with my kids, and there were a lot of other moms with their children and we started to talk, we met almost every day on the playground, until they asked me what my husbands rank is, when i told them they always went home when i came to the playground, they always had a girls evening on friday and they never invited me again! I was so shocked, i felt like im on a lower class! my kids never made friends here cause their moms never allowed them to come over our house and play! I think thats very sad and im glad we are about to move to a new duty station! I would never treat someone like that just because her husband is under my husbands rank! We all should help each other and be there for each other! No matter what rank your husband has!

[Sarah Howard]

I totally agree, when we moved to our new duty station in germany, i had a very sad experience with officer wives, my husband is entlisted!
I was sitting on the playground with my kids, and there were a lot of other moms with their children and we started to talk, we met almost every day on the playground, until they asked me what my husbands rank is, when i told them they always went home when i came to the playground, they always had a girls evening on friday and they never invited me again! I was so shocked, i felt like im on a lower class! my kids never made friends here cause their moms never allowed them to come over our house and play! I think thats very sad and im glad we are about to move to a new duty station! I would never treat someone like that just because her husband is under my husbands rank! We all should help each other and be there for each other! No matter what rank your husband has!

[Sarah Howard]

I totally agree, when we moved to our new duty station in germany, i had a very sad experience with officer wives, my husband is entlisted!
I was sitting on the playground with my kids, and there were a lot of other moms with their children and we started to talk, we met almost every day on the playground, until they asked me what my husbands rank is, when i told them they always went home when i came to the playground, they always had a girls evening on friday and they never invited me again! I was so shocked, i felt like im on a lower class! my kids never made friends here cause their moms never allowed them to come over our house and play! I think thats very sad and im glad we are about to move to a new duty station! I would never treat someone like that just because her husband is under my husbands rank! We all should help each other and be there for each other! No matter what rank your husband has!

[Sarah Howard]

I totally agree, when we moved to our new duty station in germany, i had a very sad experience with officer wives, my husband is entlisted!
I was sitting on the playground with my kids, and there were a lot of other moms with their children and we started to talk, we met almost every day on the playground, until they asked me what my husbands rank is, when i told them they always went home when i came to the playground, they always had a girls evening on friday and they never invited me again! I was so shocked, i felt like im on a lower class! my kids never made friends here cause their moms never allowed them to come over our house and play! I think thats very sad and im glad we are about to move to a new duty station! I would never treat someone like that just because her husband is under my husbands rank! We all should help each other and be there for each other! No matter what rank your husband has!

[Sarah Howard]

I totally agree, when we moved to our new duty station in germany, i had a very sad experience with officer wives, my husband is entlisted!
I was sitting on the playground with my kids, and there were a lot of other moms with their children and we started to talk, we met almost every day on the playground, until they asked me what my husbands rank is, when i told them they always went home when i came to the playground, they always had a girls evening on friday and they never invited me again! I was so shocked, i felt like im on a lower class! my kids never made friends here cause their moms never allowed them to come over our house and play! I think thats very sad and im glad we are about to move to a new duty station! I would never treat someone like that just because her husband is under my husbands rank! We all should help each other and be there for each other! No matter what rank your husband has!

[Sarah Howard]

I totally agree, when we moved to our new duty station in germany, i had a very sad experience with officer wives, my husband is entlisted!
I was sitting on the playground with my kids, and there were a lot of other moms with their children and we started to talk, we met almost every day on the playground, until they asked me what my husbands rank is, when i told them they always went home when i came to the playground, they always had a girls evening on friday and they never invited me again! I was so shocked, i felt like im on a lower class! my kids never made friends here cause their moms never allowed them to come over our house and play! I think thats very sad and im glad we are about to move to a new duty station! I would never treat someone like that just because her husband is under my husbands rank! We all should help each other and be there for each other! No matter what rank your husband has!