Homecomings
In the past few weeks, I've received multiple emails from Army wives asking how to handle other people wanting to be at the homecoming from deployment or when their soldier comes home for R&R. I promised to address it in a more "open" manner than just emailing a response back to them so here I am. Now, before I begin, I realize my opinion may not be a popular one, particularly among the parents of married soldiers. But its just that - my opinion - so take it or leave it! :-)
Also, my husband's unit does things differently than most. For one, they don't get R&R. So I've never had a happy reunion or tearful goodbye at the airport, although I've witnessed many. Two, we don't have ceremonies when they leave or return. When he leaves, I drop him off at the company area and when he returns, I just get a call where he says "I'm home, come pick me up!". I used to wish that we would have at least a homecoming ceremony, until I went to one for a friend. Then I was glad we don't have them. That's torture to have to stare at your soldier and not be allowed to run up to him!
I suppose I've stalled enough! So on to the real issue. In MY opinion, only the immediate family should be there for the soldier's return. If he's single, then that's his parents, siblings and fiancee or girlfriend if he has one. However, if he's married, then his immediate family is his wife and children. I can just hear all the parents now getting ready to ream me a new one.
I realize it is hard on everyone when a soldier is deployed. I don't have kids so obviously I've never had a son who deployed so I can't speak to those emotions. But I do know that unless he moved out of his parent's house just before the deployment then the big void laid with his immediate family - his wife and kids. They are the ones who have dealt day to day without his presence. It is their household that was effected when he left. His wife is the one who slept in an empty bed and handled many of his responsibilities at home. His kids are the ones who no longer had their dad to tuck them in at night. And that household will also be the one that has to deal with his readjustment after he gets home.
I believe the homecoming should be for them. They should have, at the very least, a few days to reunite on their own terms without worrying about others being there. They need time to adjust and time to reconnect with each other. Not to worry about entertaining guests. My in-laws have been very respectful about this and have never come to one of his homecomings. And I am eternally grateful for that. We need that time for us.
Sadly, I've known many who have had to go to extremes to see that this happens such as keeping the date of the return a secret or adding two weeks to it. To all the parents who may be reading this (and I'm sure are steaming mad now), please, at the very least, find out what the wishes of your soldier are and respect whatever it is. Dealing with a redeployment and the huge range of emotions is difficult enough without adding unneeded drama to the situation.
So there you have my opinion on the matter. And you're more than welcome to leave comments if you wish. I'm a big girl - I can handle it!
I completely agree with you.
Posted by: Liz | September 29, 2006 at 06:54 AM
Stacey, you took the words right out of my mouth (again)! I also am I firm believe that the immediate time following should be for spouses/children. It's needed to reconnect!
Posted by: Lea | September 29, 2006 at 11:00 AM
Stacey- you're always a tell it like it is gal! I think some people forget that when a man gets married he has a "new family" of sorts. His nuclear family and first priority is wife and children, THEN mom and dad etc... you're so right.. AGAIN!
Posted by: Katie | September 29, 2006 at 01:12 PM
I couldn't agree more!
Posted by: Rebecca | October 02, 2006 at 12:41 PM
I couldn't agree more!
Posted by: Rebecca | October 02, 2006 at 12:41 PM
I absolutely agree! Now how can I get his mother to agree???
Posted by: Laurie | October 04, 2006 at 11:52 AM
This would be a great addition to the Web site in the Army parents section. Many of us can refer our parents and in-laws to the site without having to say, leave us alone!! :) Thanks for your candour in your remarks. We all appreciate it!
Posted by: Regan | October 16, 2006 at 01:48 PM
wow. this is great..i am so relieved to read this. i am totally new to this military stuff. my husband just joined the army and just left me two days ago for basic. at his going away luncheon, his dad told him that if he gets a phone call at basic to please call him. i totally got mad! i kept it inside, of course..and then i thought..am i selfish? this is great. i really enjoy reading your blog and the stuff posted on the website, it is very helpful for us newbies!
Posted by: shelly | October 17, 2006 at 05:12 PM
I completely agree with you! My husband has been in Iraq since Oct. and it looks like he will get his R&R sometime in Jan. (possibly as you know how thing work in the military) we are keeping this a secret from his family because his dad has already tried to plan us a trip to FL to see him. "Well Andrew can just fly here and you and the kids can meet him here and spend the 2 weeks with us here in FL, we'll watch the kids if you want to go do something." Now I know how that will work the whole trip will be dictitated on what his dad and step-mom want to do and not about us and our two kids which is what it should be about. So THANK YOU! Could not have said it better myself. This is all new and I was starting to think I was just being selfish.
Posted by: Krystle Meeks | November 07, 2006 at 06:37 AM
Girl I could not agree with you more. I wish my Mother in Law would do the same. She has never had anything to do with my husband much until he got the news he was leaving. Then she insisted to be at our house weekly. Then when we said our good byes she not only showed up with a bunch of other relatives she also brought my husbands X wife's daughter who doesnt even belong to him nor do they have any contact.
Posted by: AR Natl Grd Wife | November 14, 2006 at 12:55 AM
My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby boy at the end of this month (November.) He was deployed in late August for Iraq and has missed the final few months of this pregnancy aswell as he will miss the birth of the baby. He plans to come home for his R&R in January. His mother, sister and aunt all plan on visiting too so they can see both my husband and meet the new baby all at the same time. My belief is that there is a months period where they could meet the baby before he comes for R&R, but this too is the plan that he wants. Any advice?
Posted by: Lauren | November 14, 2006 at 04:04 PM
I couldn't agree more....my sister came at my request AS WE ARE REALLY CLOSE to help watch our girls so my husband and I could go do some things together. We had a 11 month old baby and an 8 year old at the time of his return. I had just given birth the week before he left for Iraq and we had not been able to spend time together beforehand really since I had been on bedrest.
I figured with it being my sister we could come and go and do whatever for the weekend. We are not party animals or anything but a nice dinner, movie and dancing sounded wonderful to me. HOWEVER, this never happened he wanted to be with the girls, go shopping with them sit on the floor and play with them, eat home cooked food, make sure his soldiers were home and adjusting well, curl up in bed with us three girls and watch movies........never did we go anywhere alone. I almost resented, at that point my sister being here as I felt it was worthless. She drove 5 hours to babysit and not once did we use her....
My husband and I had discussed this whole homecoming scenario beforehand and he wanted the date night also until he got home and saw us and just did not want to let any of us out of his sight.
So be prepared for anything and as always as a military spouse roll with the punches......
Posted by: Jerri | November 18, 2006 at 04:25 AM
I am an Army mom and I totally agree. When my son came back from Afghanistan three years ago, his then-girlfriend drove up there and they spent a few days together. My husband and I agreed: Let the young lovers have their time. A week later, both of them came to visit us. I will never forget seeing him for the first time after his deployment: It was the longest hug of our lives!! Later I slipped him the diamond engagement ring that he had given to me for safekeeping during his deployment. That night he proposed to her and they are now married. He is deployed again and we will do the same thing again when he comes back: Let the young lovers have their time.
Posted by: Sylvia | November 26, 2006 at 06:17 AM
I agree to what you are saying in some ways... but I do have a few comments that I think you need to consider... Being a mother and loving your child is uncontrollable for most... I have 3 son's in the army. As of a week ago 2 of them was in Iraq. My oldest son just returned last week. For a year I have heard my daughter in law tell me how when he came home that they didn't want anyone there, and no one was staying at the house. Where I respect that no one should stay at their home except them and the babies, I have to say I love my son toooo much to not be there to see him safe and sound with my own 2 eyes.. I have had many sleepless nights and have had the breakdowns too not knowing if he would indeed make it home in one piece, with his right mind, or his life... my household has been turned upside down too, you know when you see your grandchildren and look at them most normal women see their kids in them... This is upsetting to us mothers as well haveing to realize that we might have to bury one of our children, not them bury us like most people would like it.. I know that I want to go before any of my 4 boys do... I know that my parents feel the same.. I raised my son to love his wife and children and that they come before anyone, but he does also love his mother.. that wife you talk about is just that a wife... she might not be there forever... you know what I mean? But I am his mother forever !!!!!!!!!! Let's don't forget that ok... I told my daughter in law that she will one day be in my shoes, and her son will have a wife... and wouldn't she like to see her son for herself after he has been gone for a year... in the danger he had been in... and the mental challenge that he had to face, not seeing any of his family... family is family.... shouldn't be pick and peck.. and most wives that don't want anyone there.... you can bet your bottom dollar that most of the time... you will find out that her mother is usually there !!!! I love my son... with a deeper love than any other woman that meets him at age 19 or so and gets to know a little about him, marries him has a few kids and have been married for 5 years be the only one to see him... when I carried him for almost a year !!! I cared for him, wiped his nose,, bathed him, fed him,, and alll the rest of the billions of things mothers do... and get him through school, give him good morals... watch him fall in love and be the best dad in the world... and have known him since he drew his first breath... I think Lady that I deserve to be there and after the kids and the wife are greeted first like I would expect him to and how I raised him to be... then I expect him to turn to all the other people that if it wasn't for them that wife wouldn't have him ... Family means alot to me,,, and that means all of us... right down to his siblings and his grandparents..... there is nothing wrong with the wife kids parents siblings and grandparents to be there to share in the wonderful mircle that he has made it home.... that is just how I feel and I could go on more... but you have to also think about the mothers that have the daughter in laws live with them until about a month or so before he comes home too... now it is all of us involved no matter.... I know for a fact that my daughter in law's get a whole lot more sleep at night then I do... and I can tell you one more thing.. there is not a second of any day that my son's are not on my mind... no matter what is happening in my life... they are always at the top... I know that this prob isn't making any sense to you or anyone else... but I am a mother of 4 boys, 3 in the army and have had 2 in Iraq and one getting ready to leave in sept.. so I will have a son there until it ends.. I have another one going in the army in a year.. so yes I will be there when each and everyone of them return from the pit of hell...
an army mom from texas
Posted by: sharron | December 05, 2006 at 05:41 PM
Stacey, I 100% agree with you. First and formost it should be about what the SOLDIER wants, not what the selfish people in his life want. My husband even read this blog and said that he agreed with you as well...he said he cant even fill up one hand with fellow soldiers who want a family reunion at their homecomming. He said "I descided to have you, I didnt choose my mom."
So you keep it up girl!!
<3 M
Posted by: Morgan | December 11, 2006 at 04:23 AM
I so agree with you. If only his family agreed. Instead of coming home for his R&R I am going back to our home state because it is easier to get me there than his entire family out here. From what I understand there will be 2 car loads of people going with me to the airport to pick him up. We are also staying at his parents house. I will be lucky if we get an hour alone.
Posted by: Sue | December 12, 2006 at 08:40 PM
wow... i am about to go through this same thing next weekend. My fiances parents are taking the day off work to spend with him when he comes home on leave, but i just wanted to pick him up alone, bring him home, let him settle in and rest... i know he is going to be exhausted from his long flight from Iraq. But they want to spend the day with him. I told him how I felt and he understood and he originally felt the same way, but he said if his family really wanted to go they could, basically he wasnt gonna tell them no if they asked... its not that i want to keep him away or anything silly like that, I just wanted to pick him up at the airport alone. I dont mind going over there the morning after, or even that night if thats what he wanted. But i guess i am gonna leave it up to him, because this is his R&R. I am just having a little bit of mixed feelings about it, and a little selfish guilt.
Posted by: Erika | January 28, 2007 at 10:23 PM
I agree! And I'm a mother of a soldier. When he came home for leave over Christmas, we all went to meet him at the airport: My husband and myself, my parents, my daughter and her daughter and our soldier's girlfriend. When we saw him walking toward us, we all knew that it was his sweet girlfriend who should give him his first hug and kiss. She is the main one who has kept him going and who he hopes his future is with. And that is how it should be. They hope to be married someday...and I'm not going to push my way between them. What I mean is, if I put myself in his shoes, it would be my love who I would want to see and hug first...then the rest of my family. It is pointless to be jealous of the natural order of things. He knows we love him and we're there for him. And because of that, we honor his heart.
Posted by: Joan | February 04, 2007 at 11:34 AM
I forgot to mention above, that after the airport, we had a quick breakfast (he was hungry!) and then my son and girlfriend went out and spent time together...We felt it was important to honor their feelings of wanting to catch up emotionally. Since they aren't married, our son stayed at our house, but most of his waking hours were spend with his girlfriend. We still had plenty of time to visit, but also included his girlfriend in our family time...and besides, just knowing he was home and safe and happy was enough! Like I mentioned above, we love him and want to honor his heart. If we pushed ourselves inbetween them, it would not be right and could have disasterous results, you know? As mothers, we are supposed to raise our sons (and daughters) to be mature, self-suffucient adults...not adult "children" who still cling to their mother's apron strings. You can't go back and of course life won't be the same as it was when they were babies...but different doesn't mean bad. It just is a different stage of life. Celebrate it and you'll be happier moms and have a better relationship with your sons in the future.
Posted by: Joan | February 07, 2007 at 07:55 AM
I agree with your comments, I went through homecoming with my in-laws and it was uncomfortable, and uncalled for. Too bad they didn't get the hint when I didn't tell them when he was coming home and too bad my husband couldn't tell them to stay home.
Posted by: Brenda | March 25, 2007 at 10:35 PM
I went through something very similar when my husband came home for the birth of our child. My mother-in-law is so intrusive and disrespectful of our marriage. I only asked that they not come the first few days or the last day. I wanted the last day to be spent with just us and our new baby. My mother-in-law insisted she come then, caused a family argument and tarnished what should have been a beautiful time for me and my husband. I have had problems with her all along. And to the ladies' comment about how wives aren't forever and that people are "just wives" - - I truly hope you don't fall into that category. Meaning I hope to your husband you were more than that.
Posted by: Tiffany | June 14, 2007 at 06:42 AM
hopefully, my son will be coming home later this year. this is his first deployment. he wants us there when he arrives wherever it is he will arrive at. his fiancee will be with us. this may be the only time his father and i will be able to be there when he arrives.
i agree totally with everything you say for the very reasons you indicate.
frankly, i can't imagine any parent not wanting to be with their child when the child has been gone so long so far away in such danger BUT when a child marries, parents must--as good parents are known to do--become 2nd class citizens so to speak. in my opinion, only a controlling, interfering, selfish parent would want it any other way.
just my opinion.
Posted by: anne2016 | July 12, 2007 at 03:39 PM
before anyone complains about my post and regarding my last statement, i want to make a big point that i didn't read any of the other posts until after i posted mine--some of them were too long and i didn't want to forget what i wanted to say.
so if i may have touched on a sore point or two, my apologies but i stand by what i say.
we give birth. we don't own.
Posted by: anne2016 | July 12, 2007 at 03:43 PM
YES YES YES!! A woman after my own heart!! lol I also agree w/Brenda.. A wife is just a wife??? What is that about??? The Bible does say 'The man shall LEAVE his mother and father and cleave to his wife' Hello he LEAVES his mommy dearest!! Yes I am a young mother of a young daughter and I know that if I ever have a son I will respect his wishes and leave him be. I know how it feels to have an overbearing mother inlaw as well as an overbearing Grandmother inlaw.. Its NOT fun.. When he comes home I want it to be just me and his kids! We are now his family and the others just need to deal w/it.. Its so refreshing to hear another woman who has the same point of view as myself. Kuddos to you!!! :)
Posted by: Heather C | September 19, 2007 at 08:54 PM
Army mom from TX, you have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!! You honestly think your life has been hampered as much, or as you suggest, MORE!!! than the woman who bore his children and shares his bed???? YOU dont' live with your son, hence your household has NOT been affected to the extent that his wife's has.... Sounds like some apron strings need to be CUT!!!! And as long as he is married (despite your implication that his marriage may not be forever), SHE comes first, NOT YOU!!!!!
Posted by: Amanda | September 21, 2007 at 11:46 AM