Married to the Army

Life is so fragile

On the website, we received word that a member had to face the dreaded fate of men in uniform showing up at her door. Her husband is gone. I don't know that I have ever felt so helpless. It seems like there is nothing that can be said or done that will be enough. We're of course doing what we can but we all know its just not "enough". Nothing is.

I have been humbled by the number of Army family members we have had pull together to do our best to support her and her family. My PayPal account is overflowing. What was originally started to gather donations for a plant for the memorial service has now expanded into an education fund for their young son. I think everyone has been a little shocked at their own reaction for someone we "technically" don't know. But as someone mentioned, we all lost a member of our family yesterday. Our Army family. And now we have to do what we can to support the Army family that was left behind.

To this family and thousands of others who have lost a member of our military family, you are always in our thoughts and prayers. The sacrifices made not only by your military member but also by your family for our country will not be forgotten. They are all heroes and you are all our heroes as well for always supporting them and standing tall.

AER

Wow, this is quite the article on AER (Army Emergency Relief). Here's an excerpt...

Between 2003 and 2007 — as many military families dealt with long war deployments and increased numbers of home foreclosures — Army Emergency Relief grew into a $345 million behemoth. During those years, the charity packed away $117 million into its own reserves while spending just $64 million on direct aid, according to an AP analysis of its tax records.

The article states keeping 1-3 years worth of aid in reserves is prudent, AER has 12 years in reserves.

Here's the link to the article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/army_s_stingy_charity_abridged

Facebook

The new TOS at Facebook has really had people in an uproar, myself included. I only had two pictures on the site but its unnerving that they were claiming access to all information even after you deleted your account. If I delete my account, my information should go with me! But I guess all is well for now as they have reverted back to the old TOS for the time being. And I just deleted my pictures - all two of them! :)

But this brings up another issue. Many message boards/forums have similar wording within their TOS. I have read quite a lot that state something to the effect of they have the right to use any information you have posted however they please. So that posting that you made about dealing with XYZ issue could be the topic of their next published article - and use your name!

For the record, the same rules do not apply to my message board. I've always felt that was wrong. While I have published what people have written sometimes to the website, it has always been with their full knowledge and permission. So be sure you read the TOS for ANY website that you register at and always check back occassionally if it includes the wording that "by remaining a member, you agree to any and all future changes..."

Just a little heads up! :)

Coping During Deployments

(also appears in February 2009 newsletter)

I recently finished reading a book about a spouse dealing with her husband's deployment and found it to be incredibly depressing! (I'll be writing a full review soon for the website). While deployments are incredibly difficult, there comes a point for *most* people when they realize they must accept it and continue living their lives during the deployment. Nothing else in the world has come to a stop so they can't just stop either. In this book, she seemed stuck in the "woe is me" phase of deployment for the entire 12 months.

After I finished it, I sat there wondering if I was the exception to the rule. Now, don't get me wrong, the deployments kicked my butt too. And I don't hide the fact that I allowed myself days to lay in bed all day, surrounded by junk food while watching sappy movies on Lifetime. But the next day, I got out of bed and resumed a normal life. At least as much of a normal life as you can have during deployment.

As I compared our two experiences, I began to realize a few differences. One, she seemed to rarely if ever leave her house. She spoke of a few random trips to the commissary or post office but that was it. Two, she mentioned talking with friends only once or twice in the entire book. Other than those few phone conversations that were mentioned, she seemed to be isolated during the deployment.

I realize that everyone deals with deployments differently. But my deployment experiences were drastically different than hers and I think those are two of the main reasons why. When my husband was deployed, there was rarely a night when I ate by myself and if I did, it was by my choice. I would get together with other wives for dinners out, dinner at their house or dinner at mine. We would get together for BUNCO nights, American Idol nights or any other night we could come up with as an excuse to make the time go faster. We shopped, went to movies, went to the beach, all of the FRG functions, spouse club functions, and more. If it was available, we were there.

At the time, I didn't realize just how important being around each other during that time was. But now reading about someone else's experience who took an entirely different viewpoint on how to spend her time during the deployment, I realize how much of a difference it did make.

So PLEASE reach out to other people during your family member's deployments. Not only will it help the time to pass faster, it will help you to have that face to face interaction with others. Get out of the house, off the couch and out of the bed. Although it feels like time stands still during the deployment, it doesn't. Being miserable at home doesn't bring him home any faster. Accept the deployment and separation for what it is and continue to live your life.

Valentine's Day

I've heard quite a few people upset that their soldier was going to miss Valentine's Day this year. You have every right to be upset, let me just say that upfront! :)

When my husband first joined, I was talking to my cousin (who's former military) about how to deal with all of the missed holidays and important days in our lives. I specifically asked him about our anniversary. He told me that we shouldn't focus on the date on the calendar. We should just celebrate the days that we do have together. He was fairly certain that he and his wife never celebrated their anniversary on the exact date because of training, deployments, etc. But what was important was spending time together and really enjoying that time no matter when it was. After all, while the anniversary each year is an important milestone, so to speak, there's nothing that says you can only celebrate on that one day or you've missed being able to celebrate it for an entire year!

I tried to heed his advice. While we still recognized the holidays, etc. when he was gone, we celebrated them whenever he was back home. What difference did it make if our October 16th anniversary was celebrated on March 3rd? What mattered was that we still had anniveraries to celebrate! :) We could make our anniversary (or any other holiday) fall on a day that was convenient for us. It was almost like a weird way to have some kind of control over *something* while the Army controlled everything else!

So try not to let it get you down too much that you're spending the day apart. Focus on when you will be together again and think about all of the date nights he'll owe you when he comes home!

Coin Check

Rob was coin checked today for I believe the first time ever (at least for real and not just guys goofing around). I thought it was hilarious. He went in to apply for a internship and had heard one of the guys was a former Ranger. Rob asked him about it and he confirmed that he was. Rob said he was as well and the guy asked him about which BN. Rob replied and he said "oh that's one of those training BNs" (obviously trying to see if he was legit). Rob said absolutely not and they went back and forth a bit in a good natured sort of way. Finally, the guy coin checked him and of course, Rob produced it.

Makes me wonder how many people have told him they were a Ranger who weren't because he was obviously skeptical about it. I know just from my website alone how many people claim to be something that they're not. Seems quite a few guys like to lie about their military service and then of course claim some sort of special ops status. I can't even begin to guess how many have emailed me about the special ops (Ranger, SF, SEAL and on one occassion, the guy said he was all three) guy they met online and I believe all but two later found out they were fake. So I completely get the coin check. That's just the first time its happened to Rob outside of guys that he knew trying to catch him without his coin to get a free beer at the bar.

Is this as common with other units?

Push-Ups

I have received quite a few emails from concerned family members in the past few weeks about push-ups at basic training. They have heard that the soldier must do push-ups in order to get his mail. That's actually one of the few things that circulates around about training that is entirely true. Many drill sergeants do make the soldiers do push-ups for their mail.

What bothered me was that some were wondering if they should send mail at all because they could keep their soldier from being "punished" if they didn't. Wrong idea! :) The drill sergeants are going to be certain that your soldier gets in plenty of push-ups during basic training whether the soldier gets mail or not. At least by doing them for mail, he gets a little reward after he's done.

So PLEASE continue to write your soldier. He'll be doing all those push-ups regardless. However, you can limit the number if you're really concerned about it by not sending oversized envelopes, very thick envelopes or decorated envelopes. This especially goes for the last one. They will have a field day with an envelope that arrives with stickers, XOXO, and hearts covering it. So do spare your soldier that one. But continue to send the letters. I promise he thinks your letters are well worth the push-ups he may have to do to get them!

Changed my mind

Ok, so I changed my mind. I'm NOT going to move this blog! LOL! Leave it to me to not stick with what I said. I considered switching it over to something free because my updates have been so sporadic lately but then someone emailed me to remind me about all of the links that would have to be changed as well just on my site alone. No thank you! :) Plus, if I'm not paying for it, then my incentive to post just went down the drain! I promise to do better and I'm sorry for the lull in posting on here. Things have just been crazy with the pregnancy, MBA program and just life in general!

No more whining - new posts coming soon!