I have received hundreds of emails about my opinion on who
should attend homecoming ceremonies. In addition, it is by far the most popular
post on my blog and has drawn a wide variety of comments. I have received
praise and disgust from spouses and parents of soldiers for my opinion on the
issue. And that is okay. I fully expected there would be some who wouldn’t agree
with my opinion.
There is one part at the end of the article that I think
gets overlooked many times. Or perhaps those who are angry over my opinion can
no longer see straight by the time they get to the end of the article. This is
the part that I want to further expand on and be sure that it is addressed
because in my opinion, it is the most important part of my opinion. I believe
it is something that ALL parents and spouses can agree on as well.
If all else fails, then follow the wishes of the soldier.
As I stated before, with my husband’s unit, we were rarely
given enough notice for anyone to come to welcome him home. On more than one
occasion, I got a phone call from him saying “I’m home, come pick me up.” I had
a general idea (think two week window) of when he was coming home but we
typically weren’t given an exact date or time until the last possible minute,
if at all. So this was really never an issue for us unless someone wanted to
just come and camp out at our house for a bit in hopes they would be there when
I received the phone call.
But I realize that most units do not operate like this and
even though dates and times may change ten times, the family is given notice of
when their soldier will arrive. I stand by my opinion that if he is married,
the wife and children should be there to greet him and if he is single, the
parents, significant other and friends should be there. What absolutely should
NOT happen is for the soldier to come home and have no one there to greet him.
I have never felt so sorry for soldiers in my life as to witness a homecoming
ceremony where no one was there to greet them.
I know some parents and spouses alike take issue with my
opinion on who should be there. That is why I said and will say once again, if
all else fails, then follow the wishes of the soldier. If your soldier says he
wants his English teacher from 10th grade to be at his homecoming
ceremony, then do everything in your power to make sure that happens. After
all, it is HIS homecoming ceremony and whoever he wants to be present, should
be there to greet him when he returns. However, at the same time, if he says he
only wants certain people to be there, then follow those wishes as well. The
homecoming ceremony is really not about you as the family member, it is about
him and his return back to the states.
Each soldier deals with his return differently. While some
are thrilled to be surrounded by lots of immediate and extended family members
when they return, for others, this is too overwhelming and he would prefer a
smaller gathering. This was my husband’s case. If we had been able to have time
to arrange it, he would still have preferred that I was the only one there. He
felt like he needed time to decompress before being surrounded by a lot of
people again. Had he said that he wanted everyone there (and we were given
enough notice to arrange it), I certainly would have done my best to make sure
everyone was there.
Let me also say something else. I have received emails from
soldiers who have had my original article forwarded to them by a family member.
Quite a few were asking for advice of how to play referee between their wives
and their parents. In these cases, the soldiers only wanted their wives (and
kids in some cases) present. They told everyone about their preference, only to
later find out that their wives were being blamed (sometimes relentlessly) by his parents for
HIS decision. This was causing considerable strain, not only in
their marriage, but also in their relationship with their parents, for the
soldier. The last thing any of us wants is for the soldier’s mind to be
somewhere else when he is overseas. If he indicates who he wants to be there,
then please do not start placing blame on other parties or berate him for his
decision. It can be discussed when he’s safely back home again.
One final point and then I will put the issue to rest. Some
soldiers who wish to have a smaller reception of people at the homecoming
ceremony only need 24-48 hours until they are ready to see everyone else. Some
may need weeks. By stating my opinion about who should be at the actual
ceremony, I am by no means saying that you shouldn’t see your soldier at all
when he returns. All I am saying is to give him the space that he would like –
whether that’s no time, 30 minutes, a few days or a few weeks.
To conclude, let me say once again, if all else fails,
follow the wishes of your soldier!